


Self Acceptance

by highlytrainedfangirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Bisexuality, Homophobia, John is a bad dad, M/M, Slight Internalised Homophobia, i guess, some destiel at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 14:15:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7717912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/highlytrainedfangirl/pseuds/highlytrainedfangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Several little drabbles covering the span of Dean's life as he discovers his own sexuality.</p><p>Rated for homophobic language</p>
            </blockquote>





	Self Acceptance

Dean was seven when he first heard the word ‘gay’. A group of other children were throwing the word round like it was the funniest and most offensive thing they could think of. He didn't even bother to think what the word actually meant, he just brushed it off like he did all of their other stupid jibes.

When he was nine he was told that ‘gay’ was a word to describe sinners. A pair of old ladies were talking vehemently about how sinners and fags would burn in hell for their unspeakable acts. Again, he dismissed what they were saying and focused on walking down the street.

By the time Dean was ten, he had worked out that ‘gay’ was in fact used to describe those who liked the same gender. He had also seen and heard the passionate, and most times negative, opinions that the word sparked. He heard the way that people spoke with something akin to disgust at the mere idea. Then, he started paying attention. Why did people care so much? Even at his young age, Dean felt anger towards them. Towards everyone who used being gay as an insult. So what? Dean couldn't care less if some random person on the street happened to like the same gender. Or hell, if Sammy himself came to Dean and said he was gay, Dean would not care. Why did everyone have to use it as an insult?

All throughout his teenage years, Dean became accustomed to having the word ‘faggot’ thrown at him. He wasn't an idiot, he knew what they all meant. It's not like he ever did anything to provoke it and he'd never given people any reason to believe that he was interested in men. It just seemed that to them, it was the greatest insult anyone could possibly some up with; a man who loved men. But those idiots weren’t worth his time, so he learned to drown them out.  
His father first found out about this when Dean was twelve. It was one of the rare times that he wasn't out on a case and Dean hadn't expected to find him waiting outside the gates of the school of the month. After sinking into the leather seats of the impala, his father turned to him, “you ever hear idiots like that spouting that crap, you have full permission to knock their lights out.”  
Dean got hopeful, maybe his father was one of the few people he'd found who would stand up against stuff like that. Maybe his father would be one of the few people who agreed with him.  
“-there's no way in hell I’m letting anyone so much as imply that a Winchester is a damn faggot.”  
Oh. Of course that was why he was mad.

As Dean grew older he began noticing his attraction to various girls at his schools. And guys. And he really didn't know what to make of that. While he'd never cared if someone was ‘gay’ or ‘straight’, he'd accepted that these were the two categories that people were sorted into. Elderly figures and conservative politicians were quick to remind all that straight was normal and all those who were gay were filth, sinners. There were people who were attracted to the opposite gender, and those attracted to the same. So why the hell did he feel attraction to both? What did that make him? According to everything he'd been taught about sexuality, Dean was something that didn't exist.  
He made the decision early on to block out all of his feelings towards other guys in his class and focused on the girls. Because that way he was still normal, right? It wasn't lying, he told himself, because he really did like those girls. It didn't stop him from feeling like he was lying to himself, though.

For all of his teen years and his twenties Dean continued to only ever pursue women. He still felt attraction to men but he constantly told himself _I'm not gay. I'm not gay._ Which was true, he wasn't, and the more he did it the easier it became to tell himself that he wasn't interested.  
_That was just the alcohol_  
_You don't feel that, you're just imagining things_  
_Yeah, but that guy’s so hot anyone would stutter like that, regardless of their sexuality_  
Ok, so maybe at times even he could admit that it was a bit of a stretch. But he didn't know any else to tell himself. He wasn't gay. He just wasn't straight, either. What was he supposed to think? 

Dean was 23 when he discovered the term ‘bisexual’. After reading into it, he felt a strange connection to the word, in a way that he hadn't felt before. Finally there was a word that made sense for him, one that proved that he wasn't just some lone freak who didn't fit. The feeling of joy however, was offset by memories of all the things he'd heard, spoken by preachers and news anchors, politicians and kindly old couples. Spoken by his father. That conversation by the school gates hadn't been the only one, not by a long shot.  
Words swirled around his brain, haunting his every thought. So, Dean continued to tell himself that he was straight. _He was._ He had to be. 

All hope of pretending was abandoned when he met Castiel. He couldn't call himself straight while falling into those pale blue eyes and that jet black hair. What stared as simple attraction spiralled out of control the longer Dean was around him. Every year he spent with Cas dragged him deeper into a pit, until he was forced to admit that there was no way he was ever escaping this love.  
Worries and fears about his sexuality scurried from his mind, because if it meant that he could be with Cas, he would scream it from the rooftops. Except, he was taken over by a different fear. After all, Cas was and angel, he was millions of years old. Dean didn't even know if they could feel lust or love, and if they did there was no way Cas would feel either of those for Dean. It was that keeping from admitting out loud that, yes, he was bisexual, and yes, he was in love with a man.  
But it had taken years to admit even that to himself. So maybe, with time, he could be open and proud.

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this because I couldn't sleep so it's probably not that well written. I'm not sure how conscious I actually was while writing this.
> 
> I tried to write this written from a combination of what I've experienced and what other people have told me. The first few from when Dean was very young were entirely based on myself when I was a child.
> 
> Sorry, I'm rambling, but it's like 2am and I'm semi-conscious.


End file.
